Letting Go

So about three years ago I lost a great friend. He was 3-4 years younger than me and, came back from a PT run with his Marines, and died of a heart attack. His Facebook page is memorialized, so every now and then I go and visit him say hi, tell him a joke, or remind him of a memory, but just because honestly I don’t know how to let go. I’ve lost others in the past, some permanent, some by choice, and I’ve caused loss, some permanent by choice. But for some reason it doesn’t seem real when I think of him being gone.

He and I met in our first unit 20 years ago, both non-rates of any value but we worked hard, played hard, and drank hard together, then we both transferred, him overseas, and me back to the Navy, 3 years later we ran into each other on board the chicken of the sea. We picked up where we left off; older, wiser, him still single, and me on the fast track to a divorce. We had an incredible journey.  We Drank a Bar out of its native beer, stopped a revolution, paid a HUGE bar tab by playing spades, rescued the USS Cole and celebrated my 30th birthday on a tropical beach that a few years later would be decimated by one of the worst tsunamis the world has ever known.

We took my “little” brother all over Hawaii, and got in trouble for walking on the reef. We raced an entire Indianapolis 500 on an x-box, oh and for the record, it takes as long on the game as it does in real life. We kept in touch through email and a couple of times in person, I had gotten hurt on our deployment so I decided to take my bell bottoms and go home. He found the love of his life and they went on to see the world together, and have what, knowing him, had to have been phenomenal adventures.

As I missed him the other day, I checked out his page and found that his wife has moved on and has had a beautiful Baby girl, though not remarried she looks happy. It struck me, “he just died, why so soon?” the fact was it was more than three years, and that one thing in my life had slowed to such a trickle of existence it didn’t seem possible.

Thinking of mine and legends relationship, I don’t think I could let go, even after three years, I just don’t know that that part of me lets go of those that mean the most to me.  My grandparents all died within 9 months of each other, and no more than 5 months between the couples, they couldn’t let go either.

I don’t know how to accept a loss I’m not willing to lose, and am envious of those who can move forward after one, If Legend were to leave me through time or need, I know that would be the start of my being alone forever, because I’m no good at letting go.

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