It is a curse to be blessed…

I have been married twice, cursed and blessed in a life event.

I have two healthy children….they are girls, blessed  and cursed in a life event

i knew all my grandparents and 1 set of great grand parents, and my great-grand mother. They could all pick me from a crowd, i took something from each of them and through me they live on. My children barely knew them, blessed and cursed.

I still have contact with almost all my high school friends, not only through social media, but also with their real phone numbers and address’. Monkeyhead has never known a different school Legend has only had to move twice because of me, once in our first apartment and the last time, to the only house I believe we will ever live in.

I’ve been to war, many times, and I’ve come back many times, with all my limbs and most of my sanity, some can’t remember when they had any of those things.

A dear friend is dealing with cancer, and I wanted to write a list for her:1. You’ll look hot bald. 2. fuck cancer!  3. Think of all the scarves! you know the best one’s come in cashmere. 4.When you win we get to have a big party and lastly 5. you’ll never have to hide cleavage again!! But what do those things do for her now? how can I help her now? This helplessness is to me a sense of defeat, i may not win, but i never lose, how can I equip myself to be better for others?

I know we all know we are born and we die, and that what happens in the dash(-) is up to us. But what if we’ve had the life we’ve always wanted and when the time comes,the list isn’t completely checked off?

Is there solace in “best effort”, is anyone happy with 2nd place? or truly proud of their participation trophies?

Or when you wake up in the morning does the world say “oh crap! they’re up”?

Another friend has overcome illness, treachery, adversity and loneliness, all while being the happiest person i know, always. I have known her since I started kindergarten, only for her, the largest heart in Kansas to have her joy taken?

I know people say god doesn’t give us more than we can handle, ok, that’s good for them, but i want to be a good person, a strong person, a successful person and a helpful person, but how can I do that when there are times I can’t find my car keys?

It seems to me I’ve handled a lot, and am pretty well equipped to handle more, now. While others have had to work hard and deal with pain that I’ve never been forced to contemplate.  Where in Barnes and Nobles do i find the section on “how to make it all better”?

I just want so much for those i know and love to be able to wake up every morning and know they are tired, that yes work will suck, the weights in the gym aren’t going to move themselves and yet through it all know that regardless of all that, this life has been awesome!!

Would i trade places with them, no. I know my adversities have been tailored to me, as have theirs, does that make it any easier to look at them and say “i’m sorry, how can i help? what can i do to make this less for you?”

Never forget your Inner Ninja friends–j

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