I’m afraid to get old

This weekend was somber weekend, Veterans day, and a financial management class that is making me feel like a kindergartener in a bouncy house full of high-schoolers, and I’m stationed away from Legend and MonkeyHead. So I went to see a couple of movies, Last Vegas, was pretty awesome. Do you think about your friends from grade school? Do you wish you’d kept in better touch? Go see this movie and that guilt may have you running to the lobby to exhaust the battery on your cell phone.

I won’t give away the movie, but I can say De Niro has aged a ton since Heat, and by the previews apparently him and Stallone are both afraid of not being able to act anymore. But what struck me is this; I have an awesome wife, a great marriage,and a stable relationship with MonkeyHead. The problem is we’ve done it all through the phone, Skype, and email.

For 10 years I’ve traveled the world doing what I loved for the country I love,at what I now believe is  a detriment to my marriage. No, we aren’t getting divorced, or at least I haven’t received that memo yet, but as I watched the movie and realized that in the blink of an eye, I’m going to be 60. What if Legend leaves before I’m ready to? In all reality though, if the past 11-12 years is any indication, that will never happen, But if she does, how crushed will I be? I can foresee my life slowing to a grind of what ifs, and should-haves. I dig her, the things we do together, the places we’ve been, the conversations I’ve paid attention to. I can’t imagine that ever not being an option, but what if? What of my children? I can be a bit maniacal at time, has that pushed them too far? Do they remember it, or have they already picked out the ankle chain and cave for my 65th birthday? I don’t know but I’m scared to get old, and be alone after what seemed like forever to find the person that actually puts up with me and can put me in my place.

I just want that chance to fill a thousand Shutterfly books with pictures of weekend get aways, pets and luau photos, and show them so much my grand-kids can tell me whats going on in the pictures better than i can remember, and maybe one day Legend and I will be the next generational commercial.

So I try to listen more, not spend too much money, am set on what I won’t do when talking to my girls. I might even chip down the honey-do list, but really I think to set and just listen to nothing with Legend at my side might be enough to give me the strength to push my fears away.

for Legend: